12 Rules for Being Supportive While Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

Caregiving can help a loved one with depression manage their illness and can be rewarding for the caregiver. But it’s important to understand your limitations and the key steps needed for a recovery. Also, because caregiving can easily take over your life, you want to set boundaries so that you don’t lose yourself as well as your physical and emotional health, while helping.

Your first instinct might be to try to fix what’s wrong with your loved one, but what matters most is that you listen with an open mind and an open heart. Communication skills don’t always come naturally. It may take effort for you to offer support rather than make judgments or give directives. Sometimes people grappling with depression just want to be heard and may not specifically ask for help. Show understanding and compassion so they will feel supported.

Just as it can be hard for your loved one to open up about their feelings, it can be hard for you to respond thoughtfully. Acknowledge those feelings and let them know you’re available if they want to talk more. Ask how you can help beyond being present for them. It could be a ride to doctor visits or setting up their smartphone with medication reminders. Avoid statements that invalidate what they’re telling you, like “It’s not that bad” or “You don’t have anything to complain about.” Offer “I” statements instead, like “I care about you and I’m sorry for what you’re going through.”

This is another way of invalidating someone’s feelings. Examples are trying to persuade them or acting like they’re fine. The trouble is you may not even realize you’re doing it. Comments like “Cheer up already” or “You can snap out of it” can make them feel worse because a person in depression can’t just pull themselves out of the condition. Remember that they need constructive support, not overused, dismissive terms.

You want to help your loved one as much as possible, but that doesn’t mean doing everything for them. It’s important to encourage them to handle their own self-care at first, then progress to more challenging tasks. You can make these tasks easier for them without doing them yourself. For example, show them how to grocery shop online for easy-to-make meals, something that will encourage them to be more independent.

Showing empathy — understanding what your loved one is going through — will be appreciated. At the same time, realize that you don’t have the power to make their depression go away. That takes care from a trained professional. Even if you’re upset or frustrated by your loved one’s condition, be honest with yourself about what help looks like. It could be finding them a therapist and going with them to sessions.

Use technology to offer support in real time when you can’t be there. Reach out on platforms that you know they’re on. Messages can be simple but should express how much you care. Your loved one may not always have the energy to contact you first or even reply to each text you send, but they’ll still feel comforted by your support.

Focus on the whole person, not just their depression: They’re so much more than the mental health condition they’re struggling with. Do some of the fun things that you’ve both always enjoyed, like going out to eat or watching a classic movie. They might not have the energy for high-level activities and might even turn down your offers, but keep extending invitations to help them re-engage socially.

Your loved one may be aware of their depression but ashamed to get help. Explain that the stigma around mental illness is fading and with treatment they can move past the darkness they’re feeling. While you can’t force them to get help, your outlook can encourage them to think about it. Let them know that feeling better can start with talking to a psychologist. You might be frustrated if they don’t take your suggestion but feel good that you tried.

Treating depression is like taking a series of baby steps. Each step should be acknowledged. Achievements worth noting can be as small as remembering to take medication, successfully completing a therapy session, or doing a new activity. Since you helped your loved one navigate each challenge successfully, celebrate yourself, too — it might not have happened without your encouragement.

Some people with depression might refuse all help, but others can look for more than a caregiver can comfortably give. Boundaries let you create a balance between giving time to your loved one and having needed time for yourself. Setting times that you’re unavailable could even help them be more independent. Speak up if boundaries are broken. Calmly let them know how you feel and walk away if needed. Then, restate the boundary without feeling guilty. 

Support doesn’t come at any cost. You have a right to be treated with the same respect you show others. If your loved one’s depression makes them verbally or physically abusive, explain that you won’t tolerate such behavior.  If they can’t control their emotions, you may need to get outside help by calling a hotline. This has to happen immediately if there’s violence or the threat of violence to you or to themselves.

Caring for a loved one with depression takes a lot out of you. You need to protect your health and well-being to be an effective caregiver. That means scheduling personal time without feelings of guilt or regret. Spend time enjoying a favorite hobby or activity, taking a walk outdoors, or simply turning off your phone for an hour to recharge. This time can even help you sort through your feelings about your loved one’s illness, which can run the gamut from fear to anger, and let you press the reset button.