Does your partner have depression? You’re not alone. Over 5% of all adults worldwide live with the clinical symptoms of depression: low energy, a lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, hopelessness, low self-worth, and a harder time feeling pleasure. These are difficult effects not only for the person seeing the world through a depressive lens but also for those who love them.
You may be questioning whether you can stay in your relationship, and that’s normal. There is no universal right or wrong choice. It’s a deeply personal decision unique to you and your situation, but looking at patterns, conditions, and your own limits can help you figure out what’s best for you.
The Challenges of Being the Non-Depressed Partner
Depression can affect your partner's ability to communicate and show up for your relationship. Often, that looks like emotional flatness, irritability, and withdrawal. It’s common to feel lonely and even angry in response to these behaviors.
“Depression doesn’t happen in a vacuum,” says Negin Motlagharani, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Chicago Center for Relationship Counseling. “When one person is struggling with their mental health, the effects often ripple outward and influence the people that they love and live with.”
A basic principle of relationships is mutual support, says David Dozois, PhD, director of the clinical psychology graduate program at the University of Western Ontario. When that’s not happening, it puts a big strain on your connection.
“You need to feel like you’re getting as much as you’re giving, and when there's depression, it’s very difficult for both partners to show up for the relationship in the same kind of way,” says Dozois, who's also the author of "What to Do When Your Partner Is Depressed: Supporting Your Loved One While Caring for Yourself."
Why It’s Normal to Feel Torn
It’s common to wonder if you can and should continue your relationship when your partner has depression. You may be dealing with an imbalance in your partnership or feel like you’ve become a caregiver.
“The partner who is not experiencing depression can often feel unsupported, and over time this can lead to emotional burnout, resentment, or a kind of compassion fatigue,” says Motlagharani. “You may feel guilt, anxiety, and kind of exhaustion.”
Non-depressed partners often find themselves both the emotional anchor of the relationship as well as the captain of the ship at home, taking care of more of the household duties, parenting, or other daily tasks.
It’s normal to have thoughts of going on an “emotional leave of absence” or even leaving the relationship entirely, Dozois says. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner or aren’t committed; it means you need a break.
“It’s more of a signal that they feel trapped, and that demand that’s being placed on them just seems to never end,” he says. “It’s a sign you need to protect your own mental health.”
When Some People Choose to Stay
Often, staying with a depressed partner depends on specific conditions. One of the most important is whether your partner is willing to take part in management tools such as therapy or medication.
When you see your partner actively trying to improve their mental health — even imperfectly — it can make a huge impact on the health of your relationship.
People may also stay because they know that their relationship was solid before depression hit. If you can pause to remember what drew you to your partner in the first place and can still see glimmers of that, you have a foundation to build on.
“Typically, if you had a good relationship before the depression started, it might be worth fighting to get those qualities back,” Dozois says.
Motlagharani suggests asking yourself a question to see how you may feel about this: “If the impact of the depression lessened, would the core relationship feel safe, supportive, and reciprocal?”
When It May Be Time to Reconsider the Relationship
There are other situations where staying becomes harder to justify. For example, when your partner refuses help or denies their depression altogether, the road ahead will be rocky. Without some level of engagement from your partner, says Motlagharani, there’s little hope for change.
Another serious red flag is abuse. If your partner’s depressive symptoms are affecting how they treat you and becoming harmful or violent, that’s not OK.
“You want to notice if the depression is being used to justify harmful behavior such as verbal abuse, manipulation, controlling behavior, or not respecting your boundaries,” says Motlagharani.
Over time, some relationships can become defined almost entirely by depression, wearing down the connection until it’s almost gone. When that happens, it’s time to ask yourself whether the relationship as it exists now is sustainable for you. Both partners’ mental health matters in a relationship, says Dozois, so it’s important to stop and consider the effect your partnership is having on your own well-being.
“If it’s really severely impacting your mental or physical health, your safety and well-being have to come first,” he says.
If You Choose to Stay
Along with a self-wellness check, it’s important to think about your role in the partnership so you can set healthy boundaries. Who does your partner lean on for support? If it’s you and you alone, it’s time to bring in extra support, Dozois says.
“In a study of over 100,000 people that looked at different risk factors and protective factors for depression, they found that the ability to confide in another person ranked among the top protective factors for depression,” he says. “So social support is huge and super important, but you can only take on so much as a partner. It’s not great for relationships for you to serve the role as therapist.”
You need space to maintain your own routines, relationships, and identity. Without that, the relationship can become all-consuming, which tends to cause burnout.
Also key to avoiding resentment and blame is to think of your partner’s depression as a third party in your relationship, a strategy Dozois calls “making the problem an ‘it.’”
“Rather than it being about you or about your partner, you kind of put it out there as sort of a third entity,” he says. “This allows you to gain some emotional distance from it and not take it personally or get in the blame game.”
Remember that you can’t solve your partner’s depression. What you can do is walk beside them as they manage it themselves.
“When we see our partners struggling, we really want to alleviate their stress and distress because it comes from a place of care and deep longing for them to be OK, but depression is not something that can be fixed,” Motlagharani says. “Instead, provide a steady, consistent, open, and receptive presence. It’s going to be a lot more helpful than ‘quick fixes’ or ‘solutions.’”
If you and your partner aren’t in counseling, either individually or together, it may be time to consider that extra support.
“It is important for both individuals to have their own space to talk about the challenges and understand their role in the cycle,” Motlagharani says.
If You Choose to Leave
The decision to leave is a valid one, and only you can decide if it’s the next best step. For many people, guilt is a huge barrier to making a call, but as best you can, set that feeling aside, Dozois says.
“You deserve happiness and fulfillment,” he says.
As you approach the conversation, remember to be clear in your communication, think through logistics, and build your own support. A brief conversation may be best. If you’ve been seeing a couple’s therapist, you can have the conversation in a session.
If, for any reason, you have concerns that your partner will react violently or cause harm during a conversation, you do not have to have it in person. You can also choose to talk in a public place as a protective measure.
Questions to Ask Yourself Before Deciding
Motlagharani suggests an exercise where you look at the two parts of yourself: the part that wants to stay and the part that wants to leave. Break them apart and consider them separately.
“What does each part want for you and your relationship?” she says. “What is each part afraid of or worried about, and what does each part need to understand in order to make a decision? What would support look like for each path?”
She also encourages looking at your motivation behind each decision. What’s driving your choice?
“Try to figure out if you want to stay because you’re committed and love this person or if staying is simply to avoid feelings of guilt or anxiety,” Motlagharani says. “It’s OK to have both of those things at the same time, but you want your commitment motivations to be stronger than the avoidance motivation.”
Ultimately, tuning into your feelings is the key to deciding the route forward. Validating your emotions will help you have clarity about what you need.
“Feelings are just a signal,” Dozois says. “Just like when you have pain, it’s a signal to move your hand away from the stove, or if you have anxiety, it’s a signal that there’s a threat; anger and resentment are also signals. It’s a signal that something needs to change and you need to pay attention to it. It’s not selfish to want your needs met.”
