Many women in midlife notice changes in their mood, energy, or overall mental health, but getting clear answers isn’t always easy. These changes can be confusing. When it feels like doctors don’t fully listen or explain what’s happening, it can leave you feeling frustrated or dismissed. Understanding why this happens and what you can do about it can help you feel more confident getting the care you need.
Depression in Women and Being Dismissed: What to Know
One reason why doctors may dismiss depression in midlife is that symptoms can overlap with perimenopause. During the transition to menopause, it’s common to have symptoms such as sleep problems, mood swings, and brain fog. This time of your life can also trigger anxiety, sadness, or a loss of pleasure in the things you once enjoyed. These can be symptoms of perimenopausal depression.
Whereas one doctor may look at someone in her 40s or 50s and assume her symptoms are part of an expected hormonal shift, another may consider these as signs of depression. Research shows women who’ve had depression may be more likely to relapse during perimenopause. But even women who’ve never had a stint of depression can develop it during this time.
For women, the rates of misdiagnosis for depression may be as high as 30% to 50%.
On top of that, women have often been left out and underrepresented in health research. So, doctors may not fully understand conditions that may affect women differently, such as depression. Plus, after years of limited research and outdated guidance, many doctors are still catching up on knowledge about menopause care. This can affect how health care professionals recognize and treat symptoms in women, including those of depression.
Jen Brown, 53, is a content creator based in New York City who focuses on menopause and perimenopause. Although she has a history of anxiety, she noticed a distinct change in her mood in her mid-40s. During this time, she began to feel more irritable, emotionally overwhelmed, and less tolerant of stress.
All of these changes happened around the time of the COVID-19 pandemic. When Brown spoke with doctors about her symptoms, they blamed them on pandemic-related stress.
“Not a single person brought up, ‘Hey, this might be your hormones,’” she says.
What Being Dismissed Can Sound Like
Sometimes, your doctor may seem to dismiss you in an obvious way. But other times, it can be subtle, like brushing past your concerns. For many midlife women, being dismissed can sound like:
- “This is just part of getting older.”
- “It’s just menopause.”
- “That’s what’s going to happen.”
- “You’re probably just stressed.”
- “Try to get more sleep.”
When Stephanie Pastor, 49, a teacher from Westchester, New York, first talked to her doctor about her mood changes and irregular periods, she got a short response: “Yeah, that’s what’s going to happen.”
Pastor says there was no follow-up or discussion about treatment options.
“I was hoping for some better explanation, or for her to tell me these are the things that we can do,” she says.
For others, dismissal can be less direct but just as frustrating. As Brown’s symptoms worsened, she began to suspect a hormonal cause and asked about hormone therapy. Her doctor repeatedly advised her to wait.
“I listed like 10 things that were wrong with me. But it was just, ‘Let’s stall as long as we can,’” Brown says. “I felt very depressed — desperate. Why is nobody helping me?”
Being dismissed vs. medical gaslighting
Being dismissed by your doctor and medical gaslighting both involve feeling unheard. But there are some differences. Dismissal is when you feel poorly treated or not taken seriously by your doctor. Doctors may:
- Not believe or validate your symptoms
- Not know enough about your condition
- Blame or judge you
- Misunderstand what you’re going through
- Act insensitively or rushed
- Not listen carefully
- Not explain causes or treatment options clearly
A more extreme form of dismissal is medical gaslighting. This happens when doctors question or dismiss your symptoms so much that you start doubting yourself and your own experience.
What are the consequences?
A doctor dismissing your health concerns can cause real psychological harm and change how you use health care. Researchers at Rutgers Health in New Jersey reviewed 151 studies involving more than 11,000 people with difficult-to-diagnose conditions such as fibromyalgia and long COVID. They found that when doctors dismiss or minimize your symptoms, several things can happen.
First, you can start to doubt yourself and wonder if your symptoms are “all in your head.” Being dismissed can also trigger depression, anxiety, or even trauma-like reactions. You can then lose trust in doctors and avoid medical care altogether, even for unrelated issues. Or, you may downplay your symptoms so doctors won’t view you as “dramatic.” The result? A delayed diagnosis, which can make your condition worse over time.
You Deserve to Be Heard
When your doctor ignores your concerns, it can make you doubt yourself. Remember, though: Your symptoms are real, and you deserve care from someone who takes your symptoms seriously. It’s important to find a doctor who understands both depression and menopause and looks at the whole picture — not just part of it.
A gooddoctor will take the time to listen to all of your concerns — your mood, sleep, hormones, stress, and more — and help you build a treatment plan that fits your needs.
Finding this kind of care can be hard. Even though today, there’s more understanding of how menopause affects mood and overall well-being, it’s taking time for this knowledge to spread.
“We’re now starting to peel back the layers and gain a better understanding of how symptoms show up for women,” says Nora Lansen, MD, a primary care physician and chief medical officer of Elektra Health, Seattle.
Speaking up isn’t being ‘difficult’
You may hesitate to question your doctor because you don’t want to seem difficult. But speaking up for yourself is part of taking care of your health.
Pastor says at first she held back because she trusted her doctor and believed hormone replacement therapy was unsafe. Later, she realized she needed to take a more active role.
“Push back and advocate for yourself; you shouldn’t have to struggle,” she says.
What to Say to Your Doctor if You’re Dismissed
Experts say asking doctors clear, direct questions can help keep the conversation focused and make sure they take your concerns seriously, especially if something doesn’t feel fully addressed.
If they still dismiss your concerns, it’s OK to respond in the moment. You could say:
- “I feel you’re dismissing my point.”
- “I know my body and what I’m feeling isn’t normal.”
- “I appreciate your expertise, but I know my body the best.”
Some doctors are even open to their patients pointing to evidence, such as a research study, and saying, “I think my symptoms might be lining up with this,” Lansen says. But if you’re still not getting what you need, it may be time to see a different doctor.
When your doctor still won’t listen
If you’ve shared your concerns about depression in midlife with your doctor, and you still feel unheard, you have a few options.
Takeaways
Doctors can dismiss depression in midlife women because it may look like normal menopause symptoms, and many doctors are still catching up on how the two are connected. But being dismissed can have serious effects, such as feeling worse, doubting yourself, or avoiding care.
The key thing to remember is that your symptoms are real. You deserve a doctor who listens and helps you find answers, and if that’s not happening, it’s OK to speak up or find a new doctor.
