When you’re depressed, you don’t feel like yourself. You may spend more time in bed, get sad or angry, or cry for no reason. That’s tough enough, and it’s even trickier as a parent.
You’re worried that your kids are starting to notice. “It’s important to talk to your kids about your depression in a way they’ll understand,” says Jeffrey Temple, PhD, a psychologist and professor at UTHealth Houston. Starting the conversation early can help them feel safe, reassured, and supported. You should say it in a way that fits their age.
Why Do You Need to Talk About Depression?
Every parent wants to protect their kids, so it’s normal to pretend that nothing’s wrong. But that’s not the best approach, Temple says. “Kids are smart and incredibly perceptive,” he says. Research shows that kids of depressed parents know that something’s wrong as young as 5 years old — even when the depression is hidden. Children pick up on nonverbal cues, such as your expressions and body language, says therapist and psychologist Roseann Capanna-Hodge, EdD, founder of the Global Institute of Children’s Mental Health.
If you don’t talk about it, children fill in the gaps on their own. They often don’t understand that depression is a brain-based disorder. They may blame themselves, Capanna-Hodge says. They think that they’re making their mom or dad sad, causing guilt and anxiety. “Silence doesn’t protect kids,” she says. “All it does is create stress and activate their nervous system.” They may feel scared and unsettled.
Speaking with your children can prevent confusion and normalize mental health. When should you bring it up? “If your depression is affecting your daily life or ability to parent, it’s time to talk to your kids,” Temple says.
How to Talk With Kids at Every Age
When speaking about depression, you want to be honest in a way that’s appropriate for their age, Temple says. Reassure them that your depression isn’t their fault, and that you’re taking steps to get better. You don’t need to share every detail, which may overwhelm them. Instead, make talking about feelings an ongoing conversation at home.
The way you address your depression depends on your relationship with your kids and their maturity, says psychologist Debra Kissen, PhD, founder and CEO of Light On Anxiety Treatment Centers in Chicago. “There’s no one formula to a perfect talk,” she says. Some people hesitate to bring up the topic because they are afraid they’ll handle things incorrectly. “But it’s OK to get it a little wrong,” she adds. The most important thing is that you’re getting the conversation going.
Consider the following guidelines as a starting point. But follow your child’s lead, Kissen suggests. Let them ask questions, and pay attention to their body language and comfort level.
Ages 5 to 7
At this age, keep things simple. “Don’t overload them with big words,” Capanna-Hodge says. Instead of discussing a depression diagnosis, say, “Mommy hasn’t been feeling like herself lately. My brain is low on energy. Have you ever felt tired and not like your best self?” You can also ask, “Have you noticed mommy or daddy having a hard time lately?”
Then spell out what you’re doing to get better, such as going on walks and getting enough sleep, Capanna-Hodge says. “You’re setting an example of resilience and self-care,” she says. Kids also thrive with stability, so let them know that their daily routines won’t change. Take note of your child’s reactions. If they look stressed or scared, try to explain less. Remind your child that if they need something or if they’re having a hard time, they should come to you for help.
Ages 8 to 10
These kids are more aware, but they may not fully understand the situation, Kissen says. “I might use the word depression with a 10-year-old, but not an 8-year-old,” Capanna-Hodge says. She suggests giving more detail in your explanation: “My brain is having a hard time feeling happy or having energy.”
Ask what questions they have. If they ask why you haven’t gone to their school performances or soccer games, remind them that it’s not their fault. Your body needs extra rest right now, similar to how they stay home from school when they’re sick. Then discuss what you’re doing to feel better. “You might say that you’re seeing a doctor, like how they saw a special doctor when they got their tooth pulled,” Capanna-Hodge says.
Ages 11 to 13
Tweens and teens are getting more information from social media. They’ve probably heard about depression and anxiety, but they may not have the correct information. Be straightforward: Tell them that you’re dealing with depression and low energy. “You can say, ‘I’m working on it, and it’s going to improve because I’m doing these things,’” Capanna-Hodge says.
Ask what they’ve heard about depression from friends or online. They may ask, Are you crazy? Does this mean you’re not going to get out of bed now? Reassure them that it’s not their fault, and you’re not feeling like yourself because it’s a medical condition. Tell them it’s OK to struggle from time to time, Capanna-Hodge says. What matters is you’re taking steps to get better. “Check in with tweens and teens regularly,” she says. “Ask them how they’re feeling.” At this age, they’re hearing more information outside of the home, so you want to make sure they’re getting accurate information from you.
Ages 14 and older
Your child is more mature, so be direct and don’t hide things. Discuss your depression and what you’re doing to recover, such as exercising, taking medication, and seeing a doctor. “This generation’s teens are much more comfortable talking about mental health,” Capanna-Hodge says. Let them know it’s OK to not be OK, and have multiple conversations about what steps you’re taking to feel better.
Although teens may act like adults sometimes, remember they’re still children. Don’t rely on them for help, or treat them like they’re a therapist, Capanna-Hodge says. Remind them that they should come to you if they need help or have any questions. Your teen may ask if they’ll become depressed, too. You can explain that depression does run in families, so it’s important to make mental health a priority, Temple says.
Each child will react differently to the conversation. “Some may seem withdrawn, while others may get angry,” Capanna-Hodge says. Let your kids process their emotions while you sit with them. “You can ask them — ‘What feelings are coming up for you?’” Don’t brush off their concerns with “Don’t worry, it’s fine!” Instead, offer them a comforting presence. Emphasize that things will improve because you’re getting help.
Where to Find Additional Support for Your Kids
If your child seems worried or upset, it’s a good idea to get some extra support. Research shows that having a parent with depression raises a kid’s risk of having anxiety. Anxiety symptoms are different for each child, but they can include:
- Excessive worrying and crying
- Trouble sleeping and nightmares
- Complaints of stomachaches, headaches, or sore muscles
- Changes in appetite
- Bedwetting
- Changes in behavior, such as moodiness, temper tantrums, clinginess, or aggression
Talk to your child’s health care provider if they have any of these symptoms. They may refer you to a therapist for your child or whole family. You may also want to speak with your child’s teacher and school counselor, who can offer extra support. They may be able to make some helpful adjustments if your child is struggling at school.
Along with these experts, you may also want to reach out to a trusted adult, such as a family member, who your child can talk to if they’re upset.
Dealing With Feelings of Guilt
You may feel guilty because your depression is affecting how you parent. You may not have the same patience as before, and you may not have the energy to show up for your kids as often. Give yourself some grace, Kissen says. “It’s healthy for your kids to see that parents sometimes struggle, too,” she says. “You’re showing resilience by pushing and working to overcome the depression.”
You should also keep in mind that more than 20% of kids have one or more parents with major or severe depression, according to research. It may help to reach out to others who are going through the same thing, Kissen says. There are many online and in-person support groups for parents with depression. Talk to your therapist or health care provider about how you’re feeling, and ask them for a referral. Organizations such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness and the Anxiety and Depression Association of America also provide support groups.
