When Abbe Feder, 47, went through 16 rounds of fertility treatments from 2012 to 2018, she grappled with how much to share with her friends and family.
“Initially, we didn’t share a lot,” says Feder, Founder of InCircle Fertility in Los Angeles. “We wanted an element of surprise when we announced our pregnancy as the next part of our journey.”
But as treatments continued, it became harder to keep under wraps. “Our families would want to make plans like a group vacation, and we’d have to put them off because we were going through an IVF treatment,” says Feder.
Eventually, Feder told her immediate family and close friends. But that was stressful, too. “It felt like a full-time job answering everyone’s questions about how our latest IVF round went,” remembers Feder. “It was very tough to find the perfect balance of telling people just enough, without going into too much detail. I needed to put up boundaries for my mental health.”
Infertility is a surprisingly common issue. About 1 in 7 American women experience it, according to Resolve, a national infertility organization. But if you’ve decided to do an assisted reproductive technology, such as IVF, it can be difficult to figure out how much — if anything — you should reveal to others.
There are pros and cons to being open, too. “It’s good to have people you can lean on during this emotional, hard process,” says Jenna Turocy, MD, an infertility specialist at Columbia University Medical Center in New York City. “But if you feel like you need to give constant updates to others, it can be exhausting. It’s important to find the right balance.”
Here’s what infertility experts — including women who have gone through IVF themselves — recommend you keep in mind when you talk to others about your journey.
The Pros of Being Open About Your IVF Journey
When Hannah Gerber, 35, began IVF treatment in March 2025, she decided to be an open book and share her story on social media. That included being frank about a miscarriage in her sixth week of pregnancy.
“It was horrific to go through, but it was wonderful to experience so much love and support,” says Gerber, who lives in Denver, Colorado. “For me, it helped to grieve with my community. It helped me get through a very devastated time.”
Gerber was also moved by people who reached out — even acquaintances — with their own infertility and miscarriage stories. “It’s comforting to know that there are many others out there who have had similar experiences,” she says. “I felt much less alone.”
IVF is a long, grueling journey, so it helps to have people you can lean on, other than your partner, to help you through this process, says Turocy. “When you talk about it, it normalizes the process as you start to realize how common infertility is,” she explains. “Others may open up to you about their own journeys, as well, which can provide reassurance.”
But everyone is different, Turocy cautions. “Some patients are more private and want to keep their journey to themselves,” she says. “You know yourself. Listen to your gut instinct about what’s right for you.”
Beverly Tracy, 51, LCSW, a therapist in Fort Mill, South Carolina, initially decided to not reveal her IVF journey to others. When she miscarried at six weeks, she was devastated. “I fell apart, but when I went to others for emotional support it was very awkward,” she recalls. “Some were upset that I hadn’t told them I was going through IVF. I had to deal with that, in the midst of my own grief.”
But Tracy was also relieved to find that others rallied behind her. “When I opened up, I learned that so many friends, co-workers and acquaintances had also experienced miscarriage,” she says. “It really helped me cope with the loneliness and isolation. When you miscarry after IVF, it’s easy to drive yourself crazy and wonder what you did wrong. When I shared my story, it gave me reassurance and perspective.”
Set Boundaries on Your IVF Journey
If you decide to open up to others, it’s important to create strict boundaries. “It’s hard to give constant updates to people,” says Turocy. “Many assume it’s a quick journey and expect you to be pregnant a month later. For most of my patients, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.”
When Feder told close family and friends about her IVF, she also made clear what her limits were. “I would tell others, ‘I’m still going through treatment, and I don’t want you to check in with me,” she says. “I let them know that I’d share with them once I did get good news.”
Even then, it required a few reminders. “People did respect that eventually, but it took a while,” she remembers. “I had to stay firm and draw my line in the sand.”
Sometimes, it helps to reveal your IVF journey to someone who’s just outside your inner circle, says Jenna Budreau-Roman, PsyD, a psychologist in Miami. “Family can be well meaning, but their emotions can take up a lot of space,” she explains. “You may end up reassuring your own disappointed parents, or your in-laws, when you’re the one who needs support.”
Gerber found that she occasionally needed to step back after every heartfelt post. “I’d get 20 direct messages on social media but have zero capacity to respond at that moment,” she remembers. At those times, she gave herself some grace and didn’t write back until she felt ready. “Sometimes that would take a day, sometimes a week, and sometimes even longer,” she says. “When I did finally write back, I’d explain — the message sender always understood. And because I’d taken some space, I was able to respond in a heartfelt way.”
How to Manage Pregnancy Announcements
As you go through your IVF journey, you may grapple with another hurdle: what to do when your social media feed is filled with pregnancy announcements.
Today, Feder is the mom to 7-year-old twin girls. But she says she still feels a stab of pain when she sees a pregnancy announcement.
“The trauma from IVF is real and lasts a long time,” she explains. “I don’t ever see an announcement where I don’t wonder if they struggled, and whether or not it was an easy path. Someone posted a pretend movie poster announcing their pregnancy and I wanted to punch them.”
Here are some things to keep in mind as you navigate through the process:
Create a safe zone. It’s OK if you decide not to attend a friend’s baby shower, but send a thoughtful note and a personalized gift. “If you need to step away from a friendship for a little bit, so you can process your own feelings of sadness and grief, it’s absolutely fine,” reassures Turocy.
Be honest. It’s OK to let pregnant friends know that you are going through a difficult time, and it may be hard to be around them while they are pregnant. “It’s fine to tell them that it’s tough for you to hear about pregnancy symptoms, or see the pictures of their last ultrasound,” says Erica Rozmid, PhD, a clinical assistant professor of psychology at UCLA.
Take a social media break. Social media can be very helpful on your IVF journey, as it can help you connect to other people who also struggle to conceive. But it can hurt, too. If you find that you just can’t stand to see a friend post pictures of her last ultrasound, or her baby bump, it’s fine to unfollow her for a while — or even to just sign-off social media completely, says Turocy.
How to Handle Your Pregnancy Announcement
If you have gone through IVF for months, or even years, the knowledge that you’re pregnant can release a surge of emotions that range from joy to fear to even guilt.
Feder, for example, didn’t make a public announcement about her pregnancy. She didn’t even let people know on social media that she had twin girls until the babies were 3 months old. “I spent my entire pregnancy worried that the other shoe would drop,” she says. “I also worried my news would be triggering to some people who were still trying to get pregnant. It was almost like survivor guilt.”
Even if you don’t plan on a public announcement, it can be tough to gauge the right time to inform close family and friends. “It’s one of the first questions I get when a patient has a positive pregnancy test,” says Turocy.
Again, like everything that’s part of the IVF process, it depends on your comfort level. But Turocy suggests that you at least wait until an ultrasound shows a fetal heartbeat, which is usually around eight weeks.
After Tracy had her miscarriage, she took a two-month break from IVF. A week before she was set to restart, her doctor instructed her to take a pregnancy test. She was shocked to learn it was positive. “I conceived right after my very first period that followed my miscarriage, which my physician had never seen happen before,” she remembers.
It still took Tracy another six weeks before she felt comfortable to announce her pregnancy. “It was during Thanksgiving, when we were around family, so it felt natural to tell everyone,” she says. “That’s the key I stress to patients — it needs to feel like the right moment for you. After all, it’s your life.”
Show Sources
Photo Credit: DigitalVision/Getty Images
SOURCES:
Abbe Feder, 47, IVF patient advocate; founder, InCircle Fertility, Los Angeles, California.
Jenna Turocy, MD, infertility specialist, Columbia University Medical Center, New York, New York.
Hannah Gerber, 35, IVF patient advocate, Denver, Colorado.
Beverly Tracy, 51, LCSW, therapist, Fort Mill, South Carolina.
Jenna Budreau-Roman, PsyD, psychologist, Miami, Florida.
Erica Rozmid, PhD, clinical assistant professor of psychology, UCLA.
Resolve: “Breakdown the Infertility Stats and Data.”
