If you have non-small-cell lung cancer (NSCLC), you may need some help with your care. Sometimes, an adult child has to step in. When your child becomes the caregiver, the roles begin to shift.
This can be a hard change for both of you. It’s natural for some emotional tension to crop up. You might feel like a burden or worry that you’ll lose your independence. Likewise, your caregiving child may also be stressed about the responsibility. But with honest communication and proper planning, you can maintain a strong relationship throughout your cancer journey.
What Emotions Can Cause Tension?
A cancer diagnosis itself can stir up a range of emotions. The weight can seem even heavier when your child becomes your caregiver. It’s normal to feel:
Guilt. Guilt often shows up when parent and child roles flip. You may feel guilty that you aren’t the one who cares for your child anymore. Or, you might feel bad that they have to focus so much on you and not on their own issues.
Pride. If you aren’t able to take care of yourself, it could seem like a personal failure. Too much pride can get in the way, making it hard to receive help. For example, you may downplay your cancer symptoms or insist that you can handle it all.
Embarrassment. It’s common to feel ashamed or uncomfortable if you need your child to care for you.
Grief. You may grieve losing your identity, independence, or role as a parent.
Anxiety. It’s normal to worry. You might fret about your bond with your child or their stress levels.
Anger. Sometimes, parents resent their caregiving children for being in control of decisions.
What about positive emotions?
It’s worth noting that not all your emotions may be negative. You might feel grateful or relieved that you have a helper. Sometimes, a caregiving relationship can draw you closer to your adult child.
How can you manage your emotions?
The key is to have a plan. Here are some ways to help deal with your emotions:
Own your feelings. It’s OK to feel down or emotional. You’re adjusting to a big life change. Don’t beat yourself up. Also, know that feelings can come and go.
Accept help. Don’t let pride get in the way if you really need help.
Focus on what you can control. Try to think about positive things, such as what you can do instead of what you can’t.
Communicate with your child. Tell them how you feel, especially if you have negative emotions. Open communication is an important part of a healthy caregiving relationship.
How Can You Support Your Relationship When Roles Reverse?
Cancer demands a lot from you, both physically and emotionally. Caregiving can be equally draining. You and your child must work together to create a positive, healthy dynamic.
Keep your independence
Try to stay as independent as possible while you accept help. This can make you feel more in control, and your child will have fewer responsibilities.
Little tasks you take on can add up. Maybe you can manage your own daily routine, but let your caregiver handle insurance calls. Also, you can plan your doctor’s appointments, but have your child drive you there.
Stay organized
If you have cancer, your doctor will give you a lot of information about your appointments, treatments, and procedures. It can be helpful for you and your child if you keep track of these details. Some ways to stay organized are:
Use a calendar to log appointments. If you want to write it, make copies for your caregiver. Or you can digitally share an electronic calendar.
Keep a file with all your important documents. These documents include test results, diagnosis details, and treatment plans. You can make digital copies of these.
Make medicine reminders. Set an alarm on your digital calendar or phone to let you know when it’s time to take your medicines.
Download digital health apps. Different tools can help you keep track of diet, exercise, and mental health symptoms.
Don’t resist help
While a certain amount of independence is good, be sure not to push your loved one away. They are there for you. If you refuse their help, it can cause stress in your relationship. Your child can assist with meals, housework, medication schedules, treatment decisions, transportation, and more. If you shut them out, it can create a gap in your cancer care.
Be honest
Honesty matters a lot in any relationship, but especially when roles shift. You have to be able to trust each other. Tell your child when you aren’t feeling well or have unusual symptoms. Let them know if you can’t do a specific task. Also, be upfront if you feel like they are ignoring your wishes in any way. You can explain yourself in a respectful but truthful way.
But remember, honesty is a two-way street. Let your caregiver tell you how they feel. Create an environment where open communication is valued.
Show appreciation
Caring for someone with cancer is no easy task. Many caregivers experience burnout. Be sure to thank your child for all they do. It doesn’t have to be a big or complicated gesture. You might also want to encourage them to take some time for themselves.
Expect some bumps in the road
When roles reverse in a relationship, it can be hard for both parties. Your adult child may spend a lot more time than usual with you. That can sometimes create more stress or tension. Affection might look different from what it did before.
You must prepare for tough moments. Talk about your expectations. Give each other grace, and try to be patient when things get tense.
What Kind of Boundaries Should You Set?
Boundaries can help you build a healthy connection with your adult child. They can lessen confusion and protect you both. Your boundaries will be unique to your relationship. Keep in mind you may need to adjust the parameters as your cancer progresses.
Decision-making boundaries. Discuss who will make specific decisions when it comes to treatments and medical care. Will it be collaborative? Do you want your adult child to tell you their thoughts? If you prefer to have the final say, make this clear. Let your caregiver know when you want their input.
Privacy boundaries. If your privacy is important to you, let your child know. Decide what health information you want to talk about openly and what you’d prefer to keep to yourself. You don’t have to share everything.
Emotional boundaries. Talk with your child about how to protect your emotions. You may need to set limits on difficult conversations. It’s OK to take a break from each other from time to time. Ask for space if you need it.
Help boundaries. Make it clear what you need help with and what you can do on your own. That way, your child won’t try to step in when you don’t need it. This may mean you have to learn to say no. But you also have to be willing to accept no as an answer.
Time boundaries. Both you and your child will likely crave some space of your own. Agree on how much time you’ll spend together. It might help to make a schedule. Carve out some time alone for each of you.
Remember the Big Picture
Lung cancer can change your life a lot. Tasks that used to be easy for you may feel difficult. That’s where your adult child can help. A caregiver can provide practical and emotional support when you need it most. Though there may be some emotional tension, you can create a meaningful bond with your child as they care for you.
Even as roles shift between you and your child, the relationship doesn’t have to become one-sided. They may care for you, but you are still their parent. You are someone who can provide wisdom, guidance, and connection.
