Sharing your ulcerative colitis (UC) diagnosis with a partner or someone you're dating – especially at the beginning, as you get to know each other – can make you feel vulnerable. Life with UC means you manage symptoms, juggle doctor appointments, schedule procedures, take medications, and care for your mental health. Deciding when to share your diagnosis can add pressure.
"Traveling and doing activities, even a day trip to the beach or to the museum, can be scary. What if I get sick? What if I have to use the bathroom? What if I go in my pants? Which is a horrible reality for those of us dealing with this," says Michele Nachum, who lives with both UC and Crohn’s disease.
According to one study, over 70% of people with UC have anxiety, and more than 41% struggle with depression.
How can you support your relationship – whether it's new or long-standing – as you live with UC? Many people say openness, trust, and mutual understanding help relationships grow stronger. Their experiences offer insight, reassurance, and practical advice.
Letting Go of Embarrassment
In 2014, just before her 40th birthday, Demi Dalisay Ricario was diagnosed with UC.
"I jokingly call it my midlife crisis, because it just appeared out of nowhere," she says. Jerry, her husband of seven years, suddenly became her "husband/caregiver/cheerleader."
Because they'd always talked openly with each other, "I didn't feel embarrassed when I started having bloody diarrhea and discussing what my illness was," Demi says. "I say that's important because in some cultures or for some couples, there's still that awkwardness. Suddenly, you're talking about poop."
Jerry jumped in to find ways to support Demi, like switching to the same gluten-free diet as her. He helped her become more mindful of her stress level, reminding her when she put too many things on her calendar and spread herself too thin.
"He knew more about UC than I did," Demi says. "He's the one who started reading all the books, and I'm the one who would ask, 'OK, give me the bullet points.' "
She credits Jerry with helping her come to terms with her UC diagnosis. "I knew that I had a great teammate for life and that he was all in on the UC journey," she says.
Her advice to others? Keep it real. "At the end of the day, the most important relationship you have is with yourself," Demi says. "So if you're not keeping things real, then how do you expect to be a person that can love another?"
For Demi, being real is also a matter of health. "Pooping is part of everyone's life," she says. "Even a king and queen of England poops."
Another relationship tip she can offer: Two separate bathrooms. "If you can afford it, that would be very, very healthy," says Demi.
Learning Together as a Couple
Kimberly M. Hooks and her husband, Frank, have been married for almost 17 years. They first met in college, so "he saw the side of [me] that was healthy, able to have fun and enjoy life without any issues or bathroom urgencies," she says.
Her first flare came in 2010, during a trip to celebrate their one-year wedding anniversary. "I could not stay out of the bathroom. I was very embarrassed," she says.
Frank was with Kimberly when she was diagnosed with UC. "It was something that, honestly, affected both of us," she says. "We'd never heard of IBD [inflammatory bowel disease], never heard of Crohn's or colitis, and were being told, 'Hey, you have a chronic illness, and there's no cure.' "
Frank took time off work to go with Kimberly to doctor appointments and procedures. He helped her get through infusions, blood transfusions, and uncomfortable treatment side effects. When Kimberly had her colon removed in 2020, Frank helped her navigate three surgeries and the challenges of getting used to a J-pouch, a surgical reconstruction that allows waste to pass through the body without an external bag.
"As the one with the diagnosis, I put a lot of blame on myself, as far as, 'He didn't ask for this' and 'Why did this happen to me?' " Kimberly says.
At times, she worried that UC kept her from showing up as a partner and mom to their two kids. "It definitely put a pause on who I am as a person," she says. But Frank kept reassuring her, "We can get through this together."
"We truly believed that as long as we stayed grounded in our faith and honored our vows, through sickness and in health, we could face anything together," Kimberly says. "That belief carried us through the hardest moments."
Joining communities like Color of Gastrointestinal Illnesses (COGI) helped them see how other couples navigated life with chronic illness and normalized the talks they were already having. "[It] reassured us that we weren't alone, that people who are married, dating, or single are all finding their own ways to make this work," Kimberly says.
Living with UC and being in a relationship isn't easy, Kimberly says. "But it's 100% possible to have a thriving relationship, as long as there's understanding, empathy, and both of you are willing to learn.”
Let Someone Love the Real You
In the months leading up to Jason Anderson's August 2001 wedding, he lost weight and was constantly in the bathroom. He felt so sick at his rehearsal dinner that his now-wife, Lindsey, went with him to the ER. "Our wedding was supposed to be the biggest, best party of our lives, and I ate an English muffin and a banana," Jason says.
Soon after, he was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis.
"I felt really lucky that I was already married, and that Lindsey wasn't grossed out or scared to be with someone who was sick," Jason says.
Fifteen years later, Jason learned he needed to have his colon removed and would need a temporary ostomy bag, which collects waste through an opening in his abdomen.
"I was so nervous that it was going to be really messy, stinky, and gross," he says.
Lindsey's response – "Don't worry about it. What's the big deal?" – helped him cope.
When Jason's ostomy bag leaked overnight, Lindsey helped strip the bed and wash the sheets, urging him not to be embarrassed. On days he had bad flares, Lindsey encouraged him to get up and go for a walk. And she helped their two kids understand that their dad wanted to do more, but sometimes, he didn't feel good.
"She was always really there for me," Jason says.
Until a cure is found, ulcerative colitis is "something you have to deal with every day for the rest of your life," Jason says. But it doesn't have to define you.
"Be OK with the person you are, and be confident to share yourself with others so they can love the real you and everything that comes with it," he says.
Jason's oldest daughter, who lives with Crohn's, is dating now. "It's been so cool to see the way that she's embraced talking about her disease with her boyfriend," Jason says.
Dating Through the Ups and Downs
In 2023, a week after a bad colitis/Crohn's flare put her in the hospital, Michele Nachum asked Randy Marks, whom she knew from her synagogue choir, out for a walk.
Both of them were going through a difficult time. Michele was exhausted and still physically in pain. Randy was grieving the recent death of his father. But "we both had the same outlook that, yes, you need to deal with your issues, but it's good to get out there and enjoy your life too," Michele says.
Their first few dates were simple. They took walks, went out to eat, and even did a few small hikes. It took a lot of energy, and Michele was honest about what she could or couldn't handle. "But being on a beautiful hike with a lovely man was so much better than sitting home on the couch watching Netflix and reeling from pain," she says.
Randy stayed with Michele while she recovered from a painful colonoscopy, picked up her son from school when she was in the middle of a flare, and made her laugh when her first instinct was to feel self-conscious. When UC symptoms forced her to cancel dates, "he made it OK for me to feel sick," Michele says.
She showed up for Randy, too, making him dinner and walking his dogs when he was away. "I couldn't make the relationship all about me," she says. "He had his own problems and worries, and I needed to be there for him, too,"
During the past three years they've dated, Michele has had five colonoscopies, one major surgery, two trips to the ER, long hospital stays, not to mention iron infusions, two MRIs, and endless doctor appointments.
"I count myself lucky to have found someone to help me through this," Michele says.
And now that her condition is in remission, "we're just like any other couple out there … dealing with work, children, parents, and careers.”
if You're Newly Diagnosed and Dating
It can help to:
Have a way to explain your UC to others. That includes saying what UC is and how it affects you. "Share with them why you don't feel good so they know, 'No, it's not that you irritate me' or 'I don't want to be around you,' " Jason says.
Don't feel pressured to share everything. "Share what feels good to you in your time," Kimberly says. The right person will be willing to know more. "Maybe they'll ask you more questions, and really want to learn more about you, your full body experience, the person that you are, and the things that you like."
Be prepared. "I always take supplies with me, like extra clothes, wipes, pads, snacks I can eat, and OTC stomach meds like Gas-X, make sure there are restroom breaks, and try to be brave so I am not housebound the rest of my life," Michele says.
Be realistic. "If you're working towards forever, at some point in your life, you won't be able to control your farts. You won't be able to control number two. And at some point, you might even find yourselves wearing diapers," Demi says. "Openness was important to me from the get-go."
Relationship Red Flags
What are some signs that your significant other may not be the right fit for you?
They don't show empathy. "Patience and understanding are so vital," Kimberly says.
They don't respect your needs. "My husband understands that when we're traveling anywhere, it's very important for me to get my business out of the way in the morning," Demi says. "He knows that he shouldn't hurry or pressure me, because it's part of my morning ritual."
They don't make you feel safe. "When I go for a hike, I feel safe that if something [related to colitis] should happen, Randy would be OK with it and help me through," Michele says.
They make you feel embarrassed or ashamed. "If they're 'grossed out' by your IBD diagnosis and the details involved, they are not for you," Jason says.
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