In the depths of a depressive episode, "people-ing" takes energy you can't access. It may be hard to return texts or entertain invitations to hang out. Even regular interaction with people close to you can feel like work.
But it's important to remember this isn't a personal failing. It's a proven part of how depression affects your brain and body.
"Depression impacts energy, motivation, and self-worth," says Paul Greene, PhD, a psychologist and director of the Manhattan Center for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. "When you feel exhausted, don't enjoy things the way you used to, or believe others wouldn't value being around you, you're much less likely to reach out, even when connection could help. These thoughts feel real when you're depressed, but they're symptoms, not truths."
It's a vicious cycle because withdrawing can worsen the very symptoms you're going through. Learn to challenge it – and create and keep meaningful relationships in your life – with practical steps.
Use Your Natural Strengths to Build Bonds
Cindy Pham's depression once made her world feel small and repetitive, especially after she moved to a new state where she didn't know anyone.
"I would just go to work every day and then go home and that was it," the 31-year-old New York City resident says.
After struggling to meet people even through friendship apps, she began sharing her love of books online. What started as content creation became a bridge to real-life connections.
"I would have never been able to meet them otherwise if I hadn't put myself out there on the internet," Pham says. "I partnered with a travel company where I would host group trips to go to a new country with my subscribers. It's how I met a lot of the friends that I'm still friends with today."
Golden Valley, Minnesota, resident John Folk-Williams also found community online. The 81-year-old says he's had depression most of his life, navigating marriage, fatherhood, and more all while managing the condition. He credits blogging for building bridges that became steady sources of support in his life.
"[With depression,] you feel incapable of engaging emotionally because you feel so indifferent about everything in your life," Folk-Williams says. "Blogging was just the right medium, because it was manageable even when I was down. The online community of people who lived with depression gave me a form of support that I had never had before."
But like most things, balance is key, Greene says. These kinds of connections are real and helpful, but pairing them with offline facetime when possible is important. Pham agrees that stepping away from the screen is part of self-care.
Tips for Making Connections
Decades of research shows that being in relationship with others isn't just an emotional boost, it's protective. Alongside access to care and coping skills, positive relationships are key to building stronger mental health.
Here are a few ways to do it:
Focus on quality over quantity. If "being social" feels daunting because you're an introvert or prefer deep connection with one or two people at most, take heart. Greene says those types of bonds work just as well.
Do things you actually enjoy. Greene suggests being selective. Focus on doing things you really want to do with people you really want to do them with rather than forcing yourself into social situations that feel draining.
That might mean a low-pressure hobby, a small group built around shared interests, or even just watching your favorite show with someone you can feel completely comfortable with in pajamas.
Maximize your benefit. When you can, Greene suggests pairing your social activity with an activity that gets you outside and moving. Exercise can ease depressive symptoms. So, when you go on a short walk with a friend, for example, you get a double benefit.
"The goal isn't just doing something, it's doing something mood-boosting," he says.
Don't wait for the perfect moment. "When you're depressed, acting first and trusting the benefit may come later is often necessary," Greene says.
You may want to set a standing lunch or phone date, so you don't have to work out scheduling and logistics every time.
Keep a journal to see how connection is helping. Tracking your mood before and after social interactions is a common cognitive behavioral strategy that can help you see that your effort was worth it, even if your depressive brain tries to convince you otherwise.
"Many people are surprised to see that their mood improves, even slightly, after connecting with someone," Greene says.
Open up. You don't have to make a formal speech or make a big deal about your depression, but it can really help to talk about it with people you trust. Pham says she often mentions her depression casually by talking about sleep issues or antidepressants in everyday conversation.
"It normalizes it," she says. "It doesn't have to be a big sit-down."
That kind of openness can help manage expectations and misunderstandings if plans change or your energy dips.
"I think that even beyond psychiatry and therapy, having loved ones who know what I'm going through and have patience and understanding of me has been really helpful," Pham says. "And I think that kind of unconditional love is the kind of support that I haven't been able to give to myself. So, it's really nice when I have that support network that does."
