Sharon Johnson is no stranger to depression. The 39-year-old social influencer has lived with the condition since she was a teenager. She's always been open about her struggles, which is why she wants other women to know it's important to give yourself grace if you parent with depression.
"Moms that are stressed and depressed are doing a good job," says Johnson, who lives in Brigham, Utah. "They wouldn't be struggling if they weren't trying their best."
Depression is common during the reproductive years. About 16% of all women have depression, according to the latest data from the National Center for Health Statistics. That number rose to 19% among women in their 20s and 30s.
But while there are struggles that come with parenting with depression, it's important to know that you can still thrive. "Depression doesn't define who you are as a parent," reassures Zhandra Levesque, MPH, DrPH, director of maternal and child health at Education Development Center (EDC), a nonprofit think tank in Waltham, Massachusetts. "It may change how you parent, but it doesn't change your ability to be a good parent. You can still build connections, bond with, and nurture your children."
Here's what Johnson, other moms, and psychologists recommend:
Give Yourself Grace
The first step is to stop comparing yourself to others. It doesn't matter if the other moms in your child's play group have picture-perfect homes, or go to the gym most days of the week, or make homemade organic baby food.
"It's OK to be normal, it's OK to be messy," reassures Johnson. "You are OK exactly how you are. You don't need anyone to come and save you."
When you do feel self-doubt, try to focus on the present moment, advises Alison McKleroy, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Francisco. "Look for small windows of connection with your children, where you can be fully present," she recommends. "It could be giving them 10 minutes of your undivided attention, when you pick them up for school. Or taking an extra few minutes to read them a second story before bed. It will calm you, and help settle your nervous system, so that you feel less out of control."
Irin Rubin agrees. The 44-year-old mom of two, who lives in Sarasota, Florida, says that when she feels anxious or depressed, she tries to take a step back and focus fully on her kids. "I try not to worry about our plans for the next day, or weekend logistics, and simply enjoy a specific moment," says Rubin, creator of the app MamaZen. "It helps me feel more grounded and ensures my attention is on parenting."
Carve Out Time for Self-Care
Rubin starts bedtime early with her kids, ages 9 and 11, to ensure that she has time for herself at the end of the day. "By 8 p.m. every evening, I'm just running on fumes," she says.
She makes a point to make sure that she's ready for bed – that means she's showered, done her facial routine, and taken all her vitamins – before she tucks her children in at 8:30. Then, when they're in bed, she takes time off. "I don't even talk to my husband – I make sure that I sit quietly, drink a cup of tea, read a book, and otherwise decompress," she says. She's in bed every night by 9:30. "Everyone in my family knows that that hour is my time, and they respect it," she says.
These small self-care steps may not seem like a big deal, but they can go a long way in helping you manage your depression. "Depression depletes you of energy, which you need to help take care of your loved ones, including your kids," explains Tamar Chansky, PhD, a psychologist in Philadelphia. Self-care, she stresses, is essential to help you fill your energy tank up again. "Too often, women think self-care is selfish, but the reality is the best gift you can give to your kids is to take care of yourself," she says.
The actions you take for self-care can be small, Chansky notes. "You can watch TV in bed in your pajamas, or eat your favorite takeout, or even do something that makes you feel good, like a home facial," she says.
Manage Time and Energy
It's key to view your depression as a chronic condition that needs to be managed, just as you would high blood pressure or type 2 diabetes. "One of the biggest turning points for me was the moment that I realized that mental health is physical health," says Johnson, who has fatigue and body aches as part of her depression.
While there's no cure, there are things that you can do to help manage your depression better. One is to conserve energy as much as possible. "It's important to approach parenting with flexibility," says Chansky. "Dinner may not always be a home-cooked meal. It may occasionally be takeout, or on paper plates so you don't have to clean up. That's completely OK."
It's also good to focus on sprinkling in short moments of connection throughout the day, rather than a goal of being "on" and "present" for your kid for most of it, adds Levesque. "Identify one or two anchor moments, like a short but meaningful walk you take with your kids. Those short bursts of time are what your children will remember, long term. It also helps you conserve energy, so you can be fully there for them when it matters."
Reach Out for Help
It's normal for your mood to go up and down, especially when you cope with the daily challenges of parenting. But if you feel sad, empty, or hopeless most of the time for at least two weeks, you may have depression, says Chansky. It's important to get professional help, to diagnose and treat the condition.
But it can be overwhelming to know where to go, notes Johnson. She recommends that you seek out a psychiatrist, especially since they can prescribe medications to treat the condition. But if that seems too hard, she suggests that you start with your primary care provider. "They can give you a little bit of direction and help with what you need," she says. They may be able to refer you to a psychologist for counseling, and a psychiatrist who can prescribe antidepressant medication.
While mental health professionals are key, support takes many other forms, too. "I recommend that you find a community of women that understands what you're going through, and will be real and authentic with you so that you can kind of bond in the realness of the struggles of motherhood," says Johnson.
While you can find support groups, either online or in person, "sometimes it can be as simple as spending time with a group of other moms," advises McKleroy. "Women who are depressed tend to isolate. It helps to get out and be around other people, even if it's just a bunch of moms with their kids at the playground."
Other times, it can be a quick text with a trusted friend. "Even a brief exchange can be enough to stop depressive thoughts and help reset your mood," says McKleroy. "When women are depressed, they tend to ruminate, which means they sit and stew in their negative thoughts. A funny meme or a short phone call can be enough to break that cycle."
Be Open With Your Children
If you have depression, you may struggle with how much to reveal to your kids. It's OK to be open, but don't overshare, says McKleroy. "There's much less stigma around mental health than there was when parents were growing up, in the 1970s, 1980s, and even 1990s," she explains. "But you don't want to burden your kids with worries, either."
McKleroy recommends that you tell kids that you sometimes feel sad, which makes you a little bit more cranky, tired, and/or low energy. Then explain the steps you take to help yourself feel better – for example, you talk once a week with a therapist, or take medication, or even make time to exercise or practice self-care.
"You want your kids to understand, but to also realize that you can take care of yourself and manage it," says McKleroy. "Share what makes you feel better – for example, 'Sometimes, I get tired and overwhelmed, but then I go to yoga. And when I come back, I'm relaxed and so much happier.' It can even turn into a teaching moment, where you help your child figure out what helps them feel better, too."
