New York City resident Cindy Pham, 31, is a graphic designer by day. By night, she's a content creator and author, crafting stories inspired by her own experiences.
"I grew up in a traditional Vietnamese home where things weren't bad, but I was often bored, and there was little affection or emotion," she says.
Writing became an outlet, a way to feel less alone.
"I escaped into a world of characters and fan fiction," Pham says. "I went from consuming stories from video games, TV shows, and fiction to writing my own."
But as the days and weeks ticked by, Pham fell even deeper into what she now understands was depression. Eventually, that lack of excitement and feeling alone led to what mental health professionals call passive suicidal ideation.
The Turning Point
In college, Pham started seeing a counselor due to a toxic relationship.
"I was crying every week and needed help managing the distress," she says.
After the eventual breakup and some healing, Pham says therapy led to a better understanding of the areas she struggled in mentally and emotionally.
"I started exploring, 'What else am I unhappy about?'" she says. "I was blaming all of my issues on this guy when my relationship was a window into other mental health challenges."
She eventually added a psychiatrist to her team and began taking antidepressants. These steps helped, along with changing her major from business to art, something she was actually excited about.
Today, Pham still has depressive episodes, which for her look like a total lack of motivation, difficulty getting out of bed, and a lot of self-loathing.
"I stay up late, sleep in … sometimes for an entire day and then beat myself up for being lazy and unmotivated," Pham says. "It feels good in the moment – sleeping all day. And then I feel horrible afterwards like I'm rotting in my depression."
To combat these low moments, Pham continues to take antidepressants and sometimes forces herself to get out of the house and interact with others.
"I like to get involved with causes I care about," she says. "I recently volunteered to make art materials and signs at a local protest. It takes the awkwardness away to have a task versus just standing alone at a bar."
Having a creative project or hobby helps, too. So does sticking to a consistent sleep schedule, as difficult as that might be at times. Pham also continues to see a therapist.
Read With Cindy
Pham's foray into the world of social media started with posting thoughts and opinions about books on her YouTube channel, Read With Cindy.
"I wanted to talk candidly about the books I was reading and give my input on characters," she says.
Her thoughts drew a larger crowd than anticipated.
"I didn't expect as many views," Pham says. "I thought I would get it out of my system and then delete my channel, but there was traction. It made it more fun."
The fun turned into funding, providing additional revenue alongside her full-time gig.
"The costs of seeing a psychiatrist for me include the copay, taking a shared ride there and back, and the medication," Pham says. "It would be stressful without some additional money to cover those things."
Still, she says the unexpected revenue is icing on a cake in which the key ingredient is having a sense of community. That said, most online communities have pros and cons. She suggests having hobbies that bring you joy off screen to maintain balance.
"Anyone interested in social media – with major depressive disorder or not – shouldn't rely on social media for fulfillment or happiness," Pham says. "It's an easy serotonin mood boost when you get likes and good comments, but it doesn't last forever."
From Phone Screen to Page
Pham has turned her love of reading, trouble sleeping, and the lingering desire to stay asleep into a book coming out in June.
"It's called The Secret World of Briar Rose, and it's a queer retelling of Sleeping Beauty," she says. "What if she wanted to sleep forever?"
Pham felt a connection to what she considers a "passive" character.
"I find her passivity to be a prominent symptom of my depression because being traditionally strong or brave often feels like too much of a hurdle," she says. "I was interested in a story that leans into passive characters and how they confront issues in the dream world, and also how rest can be healing, but if prolonged, can lead to pain."
Moving forward, Pham plans to continue her YouTube page on all things books and is considering adding content about the craft of writing and publishing.
"I also have an idea for another book – maybe exploring body image and aging," she says.
No matter the topic or timing, Pham says look for projects from her that are steeped in emotional intelligence, built from stories of pain and promise, and a character arc that inspires hope and resilience.
